Untitled #74 (wakefulness)

Weary words on a dark page
Eyes made blurry from tearful confusion

Lead lines rough-hewn into words, into stanzas

Struggling moon beneath an atmospheric haze

Restless,

Awake,

Pacing

Soft carpet crumples beneath my feet

Crickets’ relentless song

Refrigerator’s endless humming

Eyes peer through glass panes

All but the leaves touched by a hinted breeze are hushed into a motionless mood 

Here, the suburbs- sounds of cars passing - one, two, three

A strange whistling sound of tires thrumming across a concrete bridge

I hide the presence of my wakefulness

But how to break the curse of nightmares treading at my heels?

Shaking my head, I yearn for the residue of horror to be erased

Wishing my mind was made of sand, the result would resemble a shaken etch-a-sketch

Please saturate my brain with brighter emotion:

Dusty smell of horses’ winter coats,

Dancing through young wheat fields,

Savory taste of ripe strawberries,

Moonlit beaches, crests of waves, the glow of nighttime krill

Oh, noble Night, I beg of you to lull me to a splendid sleep

Yet your quietness has become deafening
Angrily I oppress myself asleep
Only to enter a repeated dreamscape

And again running from my haunting fears

Before waking up screaming

Caught, 
trapped, 
chained 
by a new subconscious delusion 

Depression Wraps Itself Like Spidersilk

The wind was strong. It pushed me back. But it felt amazing. I imagined that the sun would be too harsh at noon and I was pleasantly surprised that it was not so. I found a spiderweb flowing in the breeze probably not going to make it. It was a strange sight to see. I’ve never seen a spiders web caught in such a large expansive space between the trees, from the edge of the forest and the construction yard’s barbed wire fence. It was about 8 feet across.

I did not see the spider on it so hopefully it found a safe refuge in the forest.

I found myself wondering why I wasn't as active with this blog. I would like to think that it was due to being too busy having another job, being depressed, having high anxiety, the usual excuses that everyone makes when it comes to not keeping up with something they wanted to keep up with. Although it might’ve been some combination of those, I know the real reason was because I didn’t care. I have lofty aspirations to write in it like my previous one but I wasn’t filled with wonder and on my surroundings which is what I experienced when I went to a new school.

So, instead of shaming myself and not doing what I said it was going to do, I’ve joined a two-person group with my friend, Richi, and it’s called “Transformation Journey”. What this means is that we have a goal sheet that you have at least 1 to 2 goals and written about why they are important to us and what we think could hinder them and then we update every single day what we’ve done towards that goal. I do have a goal to hit 4 miles every day. Due to work scheduling in the past, I’ve had trouble reaching that goal even though it’s smaller than I used to walk. I thought of ways to reach that goal and I did them for a bit and then I went on vacation and I was doing while then to you and better and then I came back from vacation and it stopped. I recognized a soft voice whispering that I wasn’t doing what I need to be doing. But I still became distant from Richi group. Richi sent a message and he said “I miss you daily updates. I hope you come back soon!”

It took me a day, but that’s when I needed to hear with someone holding me accountable put in a friendly way. So I recorded all the times and miles I walked even though they were puny they were something. I posted the whole lot of them and said didn’t meet my goal on any of these days but that doesn’t mean that it didn’t work to do anything. Did something and something at least somehow counts.